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Entry tags:
Fanfic: Awkward
Awkward
By Marea67
About: Mainly Robert/Jason
Rate: G
Disclaimer: Written with love not for money
Summary: A McCallister is just NOT a Walker :) Set in the early weeks of Kevin/Jason's relationship.
*****
“No, Kevin, please, stop!” Jason pushes Kevin away and Kevin, annoyed, lets Jason go.
“Now what?” Kevin asks.
“I just…” Jason shrugs, not able to give Kevin a good answer. Kevin closes his eyes and nods to himself as if he just reached an agreement with himself.
“Fine. Whatever. I get it. Stupid Kevin, huh?” Kevin is clearly furious and Jason tries to calm him down, but it’s no use. “I’m sorry, Jason. You may think this all very funny, but I’m done!” Kevin angrily tells Jason, who had definitely not expected this outburst and backs away as if he’s afraid Kevin will hit him or something.
“We’ve been dating for 2 weeks now! And I do get that you have to be careful for your congregation. And I do get that Robert wasn’t exactly thrilled that you and I dating and I do get that you want to take it slow, because it all feels weird and awkward…. But I will not be taken for a fool, Jason!
Each time you turn me on, you tease, you play and just when I want to give in, you push me away. And I’m done with that game of yours. If you don’t want me, then it’s fine with me! Just stop playing stupid games…. And don’t back away like that. I would never push myself on you or hit you. But I am done! I’m sorry, but you and I are through! Over and done with!”
*****
Robert looks up when the door closes in het hallway and it takes him a few seconds to realize that it must be Jason who just came home.
“Jase?” he asks, just to be sure. His younger brother enters Robert’s study. “Are you alright? You look like death warmed over.”
“Thanks, brother, you always know how to make me feel better.” Jason’s voice is slightly sarcastic and Robert contributes that to hanging out with Kevin too much.
“Why are you here?... It’s not that you’re not welcome, this is after all our parents’ house, and you have a key, and…”
Robert feels he’s explaining too much. Jason shrugs in reply.
“Dunno.” He answer. It only makes Robert pay more attention to his younger brother.
“Did… Did you have a fight with Kevin?” He tries carefully, hoping that he doesn’t sound too eager.
“Kevin and I broke up.” Jason manages to acknowledge. Robert’s jaw drops. Despite his quiet hope that there would be a break up, he’s surprised that Jason and Kevin are actually through.
“You broke up with him?” Robert asks, astounded. Jason smiles cynically.
“No. He broke up with me.”
“Why?” Robert can’t help but ask.
“It’s irrelevant. And I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to get some sleep and I want to sleep in my old room, if that’s alright with you.”
It’s not a question, but a statement and Robert can only nod that he approves. Jason wishes him a good night and disappears, leaving Robert to feel like he failed somewhere. He debates with himself that Jason’s problems aren’t his problems. And if Jason needs him, he knows where to find him.
But there’s this little nagging voice, fueled by his relationship with the Walkers that makes that he’s curious about what is going on with Jason and it makes him want to talk to Jason. What would Kitty do if it were Kevin? … Simple answer...Kitty would break down the door and bully the truth out of Kevin…
It is something that Robert would never do to Jason, because, unlike the Walkers, the McCallisters respect each other’s privacy and the right to sulk in silence, if that’s what you want to do… Right?... Robert runs the scene through his mind again. Jason had seemed hurt and confused though. Perhaps Robert should talk to him? Just this once?
On his way, up the stairs, he changes his mind at least 5 times. In his head concern for Jason quarrels with other sentiments. That Jason is a big boy, who can take care of himself…. That Jason is apparently hurting… That if Jason needs Robert, he knows where to find him… That Robert should make him tell him what his feelings are….
But McCallisters don’t ‘do’ feelings…. Or at least, they haven’t spoken about them in a long time. Jason has always been someone with a dependable mood, never overly dramatic with sentiments. Neither is Robert… But they’re both in a relationship with a Walker and that is something else entirely.
In front of Jason’s door, Robert takes a deep breath and he forces himself to knock.
“Come in.” Jason seems bewildered that Robert comes to see him. Robert remains at the door, feeling awkward.
“Are you okay?” Robert then asks.
“Yeah. ‘Course.” Jason’s lips may say one thing, his entire demeanor tells another.
“Okay. Fine.” Robert answers and he wants to leave again, but not before he turns back to Jason and continues: “But if you’re not okay, you know that you can talk to me, right? I mean, I’m here… if you need me.”
“Uhm… Thanks?” Jason is clearly a little confused. Robert heaves a sigh and enters Jason’s room completely so he can close the door behind him.
“I have this idea that you’re hurting and I know that I’m not always available to talk to, but if there’s anything you need to tell me…?”
“There’s nothing.” Jason answers without hesitation.
“Yes, there is.” Robert now stubbornly counters. “I can see that something is bothering you. I’m not blind.”
“I just broke up with my boyfriend. It hurts, yes. But it’s none of your concern. I'll get over it.”
“I thought he broke up with you?” Robert asks.
“He did.” Jason answers, annoyed that Robert corrects him on this.
“Did he cheat on you?” Robert now wants to know.
“What? No!.. We just… We broke up.”
“But there has to be a reason? I mean, …” Robert stops, not sure if he wants to know what the reason is. Why should he not just appreciate the fact that it’s over between Kevin and Jason? He never thought that Kevin was good enough for Jason anyway.
“That’s none of your business.” Jason is now really annoyed.
“Why are you so aggressive on this matter?”
“Aggressive? Me? You’re the one barging in here and grilling me on my broken relationship!” Jason raises his voice now. “And what’s gotten into you anyway? You’ve never, ever, cared about any of my previous relationships before.”
Robert can hear an accusation lurking in Jason’s words and it makes him think about what he’s doing here. Maybe Jason is right. He had never really wanted to know. He had known that Jason was gay. He had known that Jason had someone sometimes. But he had never asked for anything, nor had he ever gone out of his way to meet any of them.
“Do you think that I’m not interested in your life?” He asks therefore. A sarcastic smile shows up around Jason’s mouth and he shakes his head.
“Go to bed, Robert, and let me be. I’ll be fine.” He then says, suddenly feeling too tired to have this conversation.
Robert has never been interested in his life. Oh, Jason had never doubted that if he really needed Robert he’d be there, but … It was as if Robert just didn’t want to know anything about Jason’s life. If he’d just pretend that Jason didn’t have boyfriends then Jason wasn’t really gay… Or something like that.
Robert, by now, is tempted to just leave as well. Why should he even bother, if Jason isn’t interested in talking either? But then he sees the sad and tired look on his brother’s face and he knows that Jason is more pain than he lets on. So, uncharacteristically, he sits down next to Jason.
“What happened?” It’s all he asks. The silence that comes from Jason is deafening. It’s as if Jason has pulled up all his walls. And, to be honest, Robert is starting to believe that Jason will never say anything to him about it at all, but then Jason lets out a deep sigh and he shakes his head.
“You wouldn’t understand.” Jason’s voice is soft.
“Try me.” Robert encourages.
“You don’t want to know.”
“Talk to me.” Robert gently pushes.
“It’s about feelings, emotions… sex.” Jason holds his breath, waiting for Robert to jump up and tell him he’s not interested to know more. Robert can feel the hesitation in Jason and he has to swallow hard. He’s not sure that he wants to know. He has never thought of his brother with another man. And especially not with Kevin, his future brother-in-law.
“I’m not some impressionable 13 year old virgin.” Robert manages to mutter. “I already know that you and Kevin…. Well… that you are doing ‘it’. Having sex….” He tries to shrug off his words as if they’re just a casual topic. It makes Jason smile.
“We don’t.” Jason therefore answers.
“Uhm… What?” Robert isn’t sure that he wants to know more, but he has come this far and he can’t let Jason down now.
“We don’t do ‘it’.” Jason tells him straight to his face, almost as if to shock Robert. And then he adds to emphasize: “Sex.”
“You don’t??” This surprises Robert. He had heard quite some stories about Kevin’s sexual escapades and his multiple boyfriends and his many conquests. And though Robert would rather not think too much about this, he had sort of expected that... well, he doesn’t know exactly what he had expected, but the word ‘rabbit’ comes to mind.
“I just expected Kevin to ….” Robert doesn’t finish his sentence. No matter how he would phrase it, it would probably sound wrong.
“Oh, he wants to.” Jason has a clear idea of where Robert had been heading. “I just told him ‘no’.”
“And now he pushed the topic? Did he do anything wrong? Did he …? Did he do anything against your wishes?” Robert now asks, because if he has, Robert will break his face. Jason, however, gives his brother a shocked look.
“No! Kevin is a perfect gentleman. No means no.” Jason answers. He’s clearly offended.
Of course, Nora would have probably taught her sons this. Robert wonders why he always assumes the worst when it comes to Kevin. Perhaps it’s because he just doesn’t understand why Kevin can both annoy him and still be someone Robert trusts and enjoys to be with.
Robert doesn’t know what to say, or what to ask next. And after an awkward silence Jason suddenly offers:
“I keep pushing him away. I keep saying ‘no’, whenever we might go too far. And Kevin has had it. He thinks I’m playing games with him…. So, he said we were through.”
The silence that follows after Jason’s words is heavy.
“Right.” Robert eventually says and he looks at his hands, not sure what words of wisdom to offer his younger brother. He wants to support his brother, but, as a man, he can perfectly understand Kevin’s frustration too. And it speaks to Kevin’s favor that he’s not pushing the subject and that he respects Jason’s boundaries… But that begs the question:
“Why won’t you … let … Kevin take .. it … further..?” Robert hesitantly asks.
“Because … I don’t know...” Jason shrugs. Yet Robert has the idea that Jason knows very well what is bothering him. Jason gets up and paces up and down and then he says:
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll get through it. Eventually. Just let it be.” He waves at the door, suggesting that Robert should leave.
“Come on, Jase, you know what’s on your mind. Is Kevin not attractive enough?”
“He’s gorgeous. And funny. And smart… ” Jason has to admit.
“Then what? Bad breath? No deodorant? Gnashing teeth? What? There has to be a reason why you turn him down?”
Jason looks at Robert. He’s surprised to see that Robert is actually interested in what the answer could be.
“You wouldn’t understand.” He answers.
“Try me.” Robert’s voice is soft.
Jason looks mortified all of a sudden and Robert can see that his brother is struggling with something.
“My first time… with someone else… it wasn’t what I had expected. And the second time I was with yet another guy… Huge disappointment… I don’t want to get hurt again.”
Whatever Robert had expected Jason to say, this was not it. Sure, he had never known much about Jason’s love-life, because Jason had never talked about it, but Robert had always assumed that he was satisfied with it.
“Does Kevin know this?”
“No. I could never tell him. He’d laugh at me. I…. I’ve been acting all … like I do know everything and I’m just fine.… It would be the biggest joke ever to him if I told him the truth.”
“I have to admit… I sort of assumed as well… I mean… I thought you were happy...”
Jason shrugs. He has no idea what to say to this.
“So, what it comes down to is that you have little experience, even though you’ve been spreading the idea, to Kevin, to me, to others, that you were just fine with having a relationship.
“I don’t mind the relationship. I just don’t like the sex. And I hear other guys and they tell me it’s great. And even Kevin seems to love the sex… But I don’t. ”Jason’s voice is small. Now that Robert knows that the problem is, he wishes he didn’t know. What can he say? How can he make things easier for Jason? Why had Kevin not simply cheated on him?
“If you don’t mind my asking… Why? You said you didn’t want to get hurt… did it….” Don’t go there, don’t go there, you don’t want to know… it seems to be all Robert’s mind can chant. “… You’re first time .. Did it hurt?” He wants to mentally block any thought of some guy having sex with his younger brother, but now he can’t avoid it anymore.
For a moment he wonders if Jason will answer him. It is a very personal question and he would never have imagined that he would dare to ask something like this from Jason, like he would never expect Jason to ask him a question as personal as this. Damn those Walkers, who have no boundaries! Jason, however, seems to wallow away his pride.
“At first, when I finally come out, I didn’t even want to think about sex… I just wanted to remain celibate… Never give in to how I felt. I would be stronger than those 'unnatural' urges. I knew that God and my faith didn’t allow it. And it took a long time to get passed that.
Even when, later on, in my head, I knew better, it was so instilled in me that I would go to hell, that my feelings are somehow … ‘perverted’… that I remained wary about the topic of sex. Even though the church I’m with now is so much more lenient than my previous one, I’ve fought my feelings, my identity, my … sexuality … for so long.
It took me so long to accept what I am. And even when I had accepted it, I just kept feeling that I was wrong. I get so tense. I get so worried… And I can’t get over that… It’s been so hammered into me that I’m wrong to have these feelings, that each time I tried I … I got afraid… I knew that if I would give in… there’d be no turning back…”
“Turning back from what?”
“From what I am.”
“A gay man? But that is what you are, right? Why would you come back from that?”
“It would make it real.”
“… Real? As opposed to what? You’re a gay man now too, aren’t you?”
“Not in my head, not if I control my urges, not if I fight the sinful feelings….”
“… but you’d still be gay.” Robert says, though he’s starting to see where Jason is going with this.
“No. To me, in my head, there’s a distinct difference. I’d just be ‘not straight’.. I’d be… something else… Just… not gay.” Jason stops, it is starting to sound weird to him as well. Yet, he feels that he can’t explain himself any better to his brother. He has reached a point where it no longer makes much sense to him either.
“Sooooo, if you don’t give to your desires, you’re not gay, just ‘not straight’. You don’t want to be labeled as ‘gay’…?” Robert is trying to make sense of what Jason is saying, or not saying. “And if you would happen to have sex… with a guy…. Then that would be it. You’d be gay.. For real…?”
“It would become real. I’d be really gay.. and then there’s no turning back.” Again there’s this awkward silence between them and Robert wonders if those silences ever happen between the Walker-siblings as well. How come they can make this seem so easy? They can rip each other apart, pry away the secrets, tell each other the unspoken truth, hurt each other with brutal honesty and then turn around and share a glass of red wine.
Meanwhile, Robert has no idea what to do or say. He doesn’t quite understand Jason’s reasoning, he can’t imagine that Kevin would really laugh at Jason, he can’t believe that Jason is as awkward as he says is, even though Robert can’t think of a reason for Jason to lie about that either.
“I’m sorry. I don’t what to do or say. I always assumed you to be out and proud about yourself…”
“I am! I know what I am, I’m not denying it. I don’t mind talking about it and if members of my congregation have questions that I can answer for them, I do.
And I support LGBT projects in my community. And I talk about what it means to me in respect to my religion and how I look at the world. I can admit to the whole world that I’m gay, but not when it comes to being really intimate with somebody. Privately… it’s different.
I’m not comfortable being intimate with someone. I’ve had boyfriends who were patient with me, but I just couldn’t relax. I keep hearing those fire-and-brimstone predictions of hell from our old pastor. I keep feeling that I’m wrong, awful and that I shouldn’t do it. That I shouldn’t enjoy it. That it would be a sin…
And I know it’s all in my head, but I can’t switch it off. Each time I meet a great guy I think that this time I’ll do it without regret.. This time I’ll get it right… And then… I can’t… I panic. And I’ve reached a point where I don’t have the nerve to do it anymore at all... And I pull away from him and from the relationship and … nothing happens…
After a while, I just quit wanting to be intimidate with someone. Or so I thought. And then suddenly there was Kevin. … And I really want it, I just… I can’t. I’m…. too scared. Too scared to screw it up. Too scared to get hurt again. Too scared to allow myself to disappointed again.” Jason finally admits and he can't remember ever having spoken this much to Robert about a topic that is so personal.
“So, you get scared with Kevin and you pull away from him. Now Kevin thinks you’re playing a game with his feelings. And he gets angry. I can’t say I blame him.”
“Neither do I. I completely understand. But it still hurts. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to get disappointed again.”
“Why don’t you tell him the truth?”
“He’d laugh at me.”
“Not if he really loved you.” Robert hears himself say the words and wonders if he could be any more generic. He sounds like the adviser in a Harlequin-novel.
Besides, had he not tried to warn Jason that Kevin might not be in love with him? Should he not embrace the fact that Jason has this many doubts? However, Robert isn’t blind and he will not lie to himself. As much as he sometimes dislikes Kevin for being a smartass, he has to admit that he hasn’t seen Jason happy in a long time.
And with Kevin there had been that spark, there had been this feeling of seeing the old playful, crazy Jason who Jason used to be when he was still 15 or 16 years old. And Kevin seems to really like Jason. Even Robert can’t ignore the loving smile that comes to Kevin’s face whenever he sees Jason or speaks of Jason.
What would Kitty do it were Kevin?
“I think you should tell Kevin the truth. He deserves the truth. He has to know that you’re not playing a game with him. I assume you are genuine in your feelings for him?”
“Yes. Of course. I want nothing more, but…”
“Then tell him. If he laughs at you,… that would unfortunate… and painful… but it would say more about him than about you. If he laughs at you, he’s not worthy of your concern, your confusion and your care, but if he’s sincere… then you owe him the truth and you owe it to yourself to give him a chance to work through this… with you.”
Jason shakes his head at Robert’s advice.
“I thought you were against us. You’re the one who’s been trying to convince me that Kevin is some uncaring, irresponsible man-whore who’d sleep with just anybody…”
“It’s what I understood from Kitty. Kitty has since then corrected that image… somewhat.”
“I need to think about this.” Jason says, suddenly feeling very tired. Robert nods, realizing that he too has to adjust as well some of the ‘facts’ he had his in head.
“Fine. I’ll leave you to it then… Goodnight. ” He places a kiss on Jason’s head.
“Goodnight.” Jason’s replies, a grateful smile on his face.
*****
“Hi.” Jason nervously looks up at Kevin. “Can we please talk?”
“I’m done playing games.”
“Me too. I owe you an explanation…”
“I don’t think it’s going to change anything.”
“Can I at least try?” Jason asks. He can see how Kevin bites the inside of his cheek as if he debates with himself on whether to open the door further to let Jason in or close it to keep Jason out. Kevin sighs and eventually takes a step back to let Jason in. “Thank you.”
*****
Jason tries to be as quiet as he can be as he sneaks into the hallway, hoping that no one will wake up when he climbs the stairs.
“You’re late… Or early… whichever way you want to look at it.” Robert’s voice scares the hell out of Jason.
“You’re still up.” He deduces.
“Pondering over some bill… Plus Kitty had a bit too much to drink and she’s snoring like a saw-mill.” Robert adds, turning on the light in the living-room, just on time to see a bright smile on Jason’s face. “Did you talk to Kevin?”
“I did.”
“Tell him the truth?”
“I did.”
“Did he laugh at you?”
“Mmmmno, not really, he didn’t quite believe me at first, thought I was still playing some joke on him, but when I talked some more, he saw that I was trying to explain myself to him and he took the things I said seriously…”
“He didn’t ridicule your feelings?”
“No.”
“Are you back together?”
“Yes.” Again that beaming smile.
“And… your little problem?” Robert asks carefully.
Jason’s smile becomes even bigger and brighter.
“We’re … working on it.” He grins awkwardly. “.. to each other’s satisfaction… I think.” Jason looks as if he’s about to burst with some news. Yet, as much as Robert appreciates this new-found honesty between them, he’s not sure he wants to hear more details.
As if he senses the hesitation in Robert, Jason wonders over how much he should tell Robert. Kevin had been patient, gentle, caring, careful and it had all been amazing to say the least and he cannot remember the last time he has felt this happy, light and … in love! Yet, he’s not sure he can give more details to Robert.
“Everything is okay. It all worked out better than I dreamed it could be.” Jason therefore says, hoping Robert can read between the lines. Robert nods.
“No regrets?” Robert asks, though Jason’s bright smile already gives him his answer.
“None whatsoever.” Jason beams.
*****
“You’re late.” Kitty mumbles, when Robert joins her again in bed.
“I know. I was waiting for Jason to come home.” He says.
“He was with Kevin tonight.” Kitty yawns.
“I know… I think they… deepened their relationship.”
“If you mean that you think that they has sex, you’re right. They did.”
“How do you know that?” Robert asks. Still half-asleep Kitty picks up her phone.
“Text-message. Apparently Jason is very good at it. And Kevin is very happy and satisfied with the results of their talk. Something about Jason being good with his mouth?”
“Too much info! …." Robert says, but the he changes his mind. "What more did he say?” Robert is suddenly curious.
“Sorry, you can’t scream ‘too much info’ and then ask for more of it. It’s against the Walker-rules.” Kitty now teases. “But…. Let’s say: I’m not surprised. Certain things, like good sex, seem to run in your family….” She winks and she looks up at him with a grin on her face.
“Besides, what he wrote reminded me of the fact that we haven’t had sex in a little while… Three days now? … Bad boy!” She laughs though. Robert leans closer to her and kisses her.
“Perhaps I should focus more on you, you mean?”
“Yes. Your fascination with Kevin is becoming a bit … weird.” Kitty teases, tapping him gently on his nose.
“Getting jealous?” Robert asks, but Kitty doesn’t answer. Instead she pulls him down for a kiss and Robert pulls the blankets up around them.
The end.
/
By Marea67
About: Mainly Robert/Jason
Rate: G
Disclaimer: Written with love not for money
Summary: A McCallister is just NOT a Walker :) Set in the early weeks of Kevin/Jason's relationship.
*****
“No, Kevin, please, stop!” Jason pushes Kevin away and Kevin, annoyed, lets Jason go.
“Now what?” Kevin asks.
“I just…” Jason shrugs, not able to give Kevin a good answer. Kevin closes his eyes and nods to himself as if he just reached an agreement with himself.
“Fine. Whatever. I get it. Stupid Kevin, huh?” Kevin is clearly furious and Jason tries to calm him down, but it’s no use. “I’m sorry, Jason. You may think this all very funny, but I’m done!” Kevin angrily tells Jason, who had definitely not expected this outburst and backs away as if he’s afraid Kevin will hit him or something.
“We’ve been dating for 2 weeks now! And I do get that you have to be careful for your congregation. And I do get that Robert wasn’t exactly thrilled that you and I dating and I do get that you want to take it slow, because it all feels weird and awkward…. But I will not be taken for a fool, Jason!
Each time you turn me on, you tease, you play and just when I want to give in, you push me away. And I’m done with that game of yours. If you don’t want me, then it’s fine with me! Just stop playing stupid games…. And don’t back away like that. I would never push myself on you or hit you. But I am done! I’m sorry, but you and I are through! Over and done with!”
*****
Robert looks up when the door closes in het hallway and it takes him a few seconds to realize that it must be Jason who just came home.
“Jase?” he asks, just to be sure. His younger brother enters Robert’s study. “Are you alright? You look like death warmed over.”
“Thanks, brother, you always know how to make me feel better.” Jason’s voice is slightly sarcastic and Robert contributes that to hanging out with Kevin too much.
“Why are you here?... It’s not that you’re not welcome, this is after all our parents’ house, and you have a key, and…”
Robert feels he’s explaining too much. Jason shrugs in reply.
“Dunno.” He answer. It only makes Robert pay more attention to his younger brother.
“Did… Did you have a fight with Kevin?” He tries carefully, hoping that he doesn’t sound too eager.
“Kevin and I broke up.” Jason manages to acknowledge. Robert’s jaw drops. Despite his quiet hope that there would be a break up, he’s surprised that Jason and Kevin are actually through.
“You broke up with him?” Robert asks, astounded. Jason smiles cynically.
“No. He broke up with me.”
“Why?” Robert can’t help but ask.
“It’s irrelevant. And I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to get some sleep and I want to sleep in my old room, if that’s alright with you.”
It’s not a question, but a statement and Robert can only nod that he approves. Jason wishes him a good night and disappears, leaving Robert to feel like he failed somewhere. He debates with himself that Jason’s problems aren’t his problems. And if Jason needs him, he knows where to find him.
But there’s this little nagging voice, fueled by his relationship with the Walkers that makes that he’s curious about what is going on with Jason and it makes him want to talk to Jason. What would Kitty do if it were Kevin? … Simple answer...Kitty would break down the door and bully the truth out of Kevin…
It is something that Robert would never do to Jason, because, unlike the Walkers, the McCallisters respect each other’s privacy and the right to sulk in silence, if that’s what you want to do… Right?... Robert runs the scene through his mind again. Jason had seemed hurt and confused though. Perhaps Robert should talk to him? Just this once?
On his way, up the stairs, he changes his mind at least 5 times. In his head concern for Jason quarrels with other sentiments. That Jason is a big boy, who can take care of himself…. That Jason is apparently hurting… That if Jason needs Robert, he knows where to find him… That Robert should make him tell him what his feelings are….
But McCallisters don’t ‘do’ feelings…. Or at least, they haven’t spoken about them in a long time. Jason has always been someone with a dependable mood, never overly dramatic with sentiments. Neither is Robert… But they’re both in a relationship with a Walker and that is something else entirely.
In front of Jason’s door, Robert takes a deep breath and he forces himself to knock.
“Come in.” Jason seems bewildered that Robert comes to see him. Robert remains at the door, feeling awkward.
“Are you okay?” Robert then asks.
“Yeah. ‘Course.” Jason’s lips may say one thing, his entire demeanor tells another.
“Okay. Fine.” Robert answers and he wants to leave again, but not before he turns back to Jason and continues: “But if you’re not okay, you know that you can talk to me, right? I mean, I’m here… if you need me.”
“Uhm… Thanks?” Jason is clearly a little confused. Robert heaves a sigh and enters Jason’s room completely so he can close the door behind him.
“I have this idea that you’re hurting and I know that I’m not always available to talk to, but if there’s anything you need to tell me…?”
“There’s nothing.” Jason answers without hesitation.
“Yes, there is.” Robert now stubbornly counters. “I can see that something is bothering you. I’m not blind.”
“I just broke up with my boyfriend. It hurts, yes. But it’s none of your concern. I'll get over it.”
“I thought he broke up with you?” Robert asks.
“He did.” Jason answers, annoyed that Robert corrects him on this.
“Did he cheat on you?” Robert now wants to know.
“What? No!.. We just… We broke up.”
“But there has to be a reason? I mean, …” Robert stops, not sure if he wants to know what the reason is. Why should he not just appreciate the fact that it’s over between Kevin and Jason? He never thought that Kevin was good enough for Jason anyway.
“That’s none of your business.” Jason is now really annoyed.
“Why are you so aggressive on this matter?”
“Aggressive? Me? You’re the one barging in here and grilling me on my broken relationship!” Jason raises his voice now. “And what’s gotten into you anyway? You’ve never, ever, cared about any of my previous relationships before.”
Robert can hear an accusation lurking in Jason’s words and it makes him think about what he’s doing here. Maybe Jason is right. He had never really wanted to know. He had known that Jason was gay. He had known that Jason had someone sometimes. But he had never asked for anything, nor had he ever gone out of his way to meet any of them.
“Do you think that I’m not interested in your life?” He asks therefore. A sarcastic smile shows up around Jason’s mouth and he shakes his head.
“Go to bed, Robert, and let me be. I’ll be fine.” He then says, suddenly feeling too tired to have this conversation.
Robert has never been interested in his life. Oh, Jason had never doubted that if he really needed Robert he’d be there, but … It was as if Robert just didn’t want to know anything about Jason’s life. If he’d just pretend that Jason didn’t have boyfriends then Jason wasn’t really gay… Or something like that.
Robert, by now, is tempted to just leave as well. Why should he even bother, if Jason isn’t interested in talking either? But then he sees the sad and tired look on his brother’s face and he knows that Jason is more pain than he lets on. So, uncharacteristically, he sits down next to Jason.
“What happened?” It’s all he asks. The silence that comes from Jason is deafening. It’s as if Jason has pulled up all his walls. And, to be honest, Robert is starting to believe that Jason will never say anything to him about it at all, but then Jason lets out a deep sigh and he shakes his head.
“You wouldn’t understand.” Jason’s voice is soft.
“Try me.” Robert encourages.
“You don’t want to know.”
“Talk to me.” Robert gently pushes.
“It’s about feelings, emotions… sex.” Jason holds his breath, waiting for Robert to jump up and tell him he’s not interested to know more. Robert can feel the hesitation in Jason and he has to swallow hard. He’s not sure that he wants to know. He has never thought of his brother with another man. And especially not with Kevin, his future brother-in-law.
“I’m not some impressionable 13 year old virgin.” Robert manages to mutter. “I already know that you and Kevin…. Well… that you are doing ‘it’. Having sex….” He tries to shrug off his words as if they’re just a casual topic. It makes Jason smile.
“We don’t.” Jason therefore answers.
“Uhm… What?” Robert isn’t sure that he wants to know more, but he has come this far and he can’t let Jason down now.
“We don’t do ‘it’.” Jason tells him straight to his face, almost as if to shock Robert. And then he adds to emphasize: “Sex.”
“You don’t??” This surprises Robert. He had heard quite some stories about Kevin’s sexual escapades and his multiple boyfriends and his many conquests. And though Robert would rather not think too much about this, he had sort of expected that... well, he doesn’t know exactly what he had expected, but the word ‘rabbit’ comes to mind.
“I just expected Kevin to ….” Robert doesn’t finish his sentence. No matter how he would phrase it, it would probably sound wrong.
“Oh, he wants to.” Jason has a clear idea of where Robert had been heading. “I just told him ‘no’.”
“And now he pushed the topic? Did he do anything wrong? Did he …? Did he do anything against your wishes?” Robert now asks, because if he has, Robert will break his face. Jason, however, gives his brother a shocked look.
“No! Kevin is a perfect gentleman. No means no.” Jason answers. He’s clearly offended.
Of course, Nora would have probably taught her sons this. Robert wonders why he always assumes the worst when it comes to Kevin. Perhaps it’s because he just doesn’t understand why Kevin can both annoy him and still be someone Robert trusts and enjoys to be with.
Robert doesn’t know what to say, or what to ask next. And after an awkward silence Jason suddenly offers:
“I keep pushing him away. I keep saying ‘no’, whenever we might go too far. And Kevin has had it. He thinks I’m playing games with him…. So, he said we were through.”
The silence that follows after Jason’s words is heavy.
“Right.” Robert eventually says and he looks at his hands, not sure what words of wisdom to offer his younger brother. He wants to support his brother, but, as a man, he can perfectly understand Kevin’s frustration too. And it speaks to Kevin’s favor that he’s not pushing the subject and that he respects Jason’s boundaries… But that begs the question:
“Why won’t you … let … Kevin take .. it … further..?” Robert hesitantly asks.
“Because … I don’t know...” Jason shrugs. Yet Robert has the idea that Jason knows very well what is bothering him. Jason gets up and paces up and down and then he says:
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll get through it. Eventually. Just let it be.” He waves at the door, suggesting that Robert should leave.
“Come on, Jase, you know what’s on your mind. Is Kevin not attractive enough?”
“He’s gorgeous. And funny. And smart… ” Jason has to admit.
“Then what? Bad breath? No deodorant? Gnashing teeth? What? There has to be a reason why you turn him down?”
Jason looks at Robert. He’s surprised to see that Robert is actually interested in what the answer could be.
“You wouldn’t understand.” He answers.
“Try me.” Robert’s voice is soft.
Jason looks mortified all of a sudden and Robert can see that his brother is struggling with something.
“My first time… with someone else… it wasn’t what I had expected. And the second time I was with yet another guy… Huge disappointment… I don’t want to get hurt again.”
Whatever Robert had expected Jason to say, this was not it. Sure, he had never known much about Jason’s love-life, because Jason had never talked about it, but Robert had always assumed that he was satisfied with it.
“Does Kevin know this?”
“No. I could never tell him. He’d laugh at me. I…. I’ve been acting all … like I do know everything and I’m just fine.… It would be the biggest joke ever to him if I told him the truth.”
“I have to admit… I sort of assumed as well… I mean… I thought you were happy...”
Jason shrugs. He has no idea what to say to this.
“So, what it comes down to is that you have little experience, even though you’ve been spreading the idea, to Kevin, to me, to others, that you were just fine with having a relationship.
“I don’t mind the relationship. I just don’t like the sex. And I hear other guys and they tell me it’s great. And even Kevin seems to love the sex… But I don’t. ”Jason’s voice is small. Now that Robert knows that the problem is, he wishes he didn’t know. What can he say? How can he make things easier for Jason? Why had Kevin not simply cheated on him?
“If you don’t mind my asking… Why? You said you didn’t want to get hurt… did it….” Don’t go there, don’t go there, you don’t want to know… it seems to be all Robert’s mind can chant. “… You’re first time .. Did it hurt?” He wants to mentally block any thought of some guy having sex with his younger brother, but now he can’t avoid it anymore.
For a moment he wonders if Jason will answer him. It is a very personal question and he would never have imagined that he would dare to ask something like this from Jason, like he would never expect Jason to ask him a question as personal as this. Damn those Walkers, who have no boundaries! Jason, however, seems to wallow away his pride.
“At first, when I finally come out, I didn’t even want to think about sex… I just wanted to remain celibate… Never give in to how I felt. I would be stronger than those 'unnatural' urges. I knew that God and my faith didn’t allow it. And it took a long time to get passed that.
Even when, later on, in my head, I knew better, it was so instilled in me that I would go to hell, that my feelings are somehow … ‘perverted’… that I remained wary about the topic of sex. Even though the church I’m with now is so much more lenient than my previous one, I’ve fought my feelings, my identity, my … sexuality … for so long.
It took me so long to accept what I am. And even when I had accepted it, I just kept feeling that I was wrong. I get so tense. I get so worried… And I can’t get over that… It’s been so hammered into me that I’m wrong to have these feelings, that each time I tried I … I got afraid… I knew that if I would give in… there’d be no turning back…”
“Turning back from what?”
“From what I am.”
“A gay man? But that is what you are, right? Why would you come back from that?”
“It would make it real.”
“… Real? As opposed to what? You’re a gay man now too, aren’t you?”
“Not in my head, not if I control my urges, not if I fight the sinful feelings….”
“… but you’d still be gay.” Robert says, though he’s starting to see where Jason is going with this.
“No. To me, in my head, there’s a distinct difference. I’d just be ‘not straight’.. I’d be… something else… Just… not gay.” Jason stops, it is starting to sound weird to him as well. Yet, he feels that he can’t explain himself any better to his brother. He has reached a point where it no longer makes much sense to him either.
“Sooooo, if you don’t give to your desires, you’re not gay, just ‘not straight’. You don’t want to be labeled as ‘gay’…?” Robert is trying to make sense of what Jason is saying, or not saying. “And if you would happen to have sex… with a guy…. Then that would be it. You’d be gay.. For real…?”
“It would become real. I’d be really gay.. and then there’s no turning back.” Again there’s this awkward silence between them and Robert wonders if those silences ever happen between the Walker-siblings as well. How come they can make this seem so easy? They can rip each other apart, pry away the secrets, tell each other the unspoken truth, hurt each other with brutal honesty and then turn around and share a glass of red wine.
Meanwhile, Robert has no idea what to do or say. He doesn’t quite understand Jason’s reasoning, he can’t imagine that Kevin would really laugh at Jason, he can’t believe that Jason is as awkward as he says is, even though Robert can’t think of a reason for Jason to lie about that either.
“I’m sorry. I don’t what to do or say. I always assumed you to be out and proud about yourself…”
“I am! I know what I am, I’m not denying it. I don’t mind talking about it and if members of my congregation have questions that I can answer for them, I do.
And I support LGBT projects in my community. And I talk about what it means to me in respect to my religion and how I look at the world. I can admit to the whole world that I’m gay, but not when it comes to being really intimate with somebody. Privately… it’s different.
I’m not comfortable being intimate with someone. I’ve had boyfriends who were patient with me, but I just couldn’t relax. I keep hearing those fire-and-brimstone predictions of hell from our old pastor. I keep feeling that I’m wrong, awful and that I shouldn’t do it. That I shouldn’t enjoy it. That it would be a sin…
And I know it’s all in my head, but I can’t switch it off. Each time I meet a great guy I think that this time I’ll do it without regret.. This time I’ll get it right… And then… I can’t… I panic. And I’ve reached a point where I don’t have the nerve to do it anymore at all... And I pull away from him and from the relationship and … nothing happens…
After a while, I just quit wanting to be intimidate with someone. Or so I thought. And then suddenly there was Kevin. … And I really want it, I just… I can’t. I’m…. too scared. Too scared to screw it up. Too scared to get hurt again. Too scared to allow myself to disappointed again.” Jason finally admits and he can't remember ever having spoken this much to Robert about a topic that is so personal.
“So, you get scared with Kevin and you pull away from him. Now Kevin thinks you’re playing a game with his feelings. And he gets angry. I can’t say I blame him.”
“Neither do I. I completely understand. But it still hurts. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to get disappointed again.”
“Why don’t you tell him the truth?”
“He’d laugh at me.”
“Not if he really loved you.” Robert hears himself say the words and wonders if he could be any more generic. He sounds like the adviser in a Harlequin-novel.
Besides, had he not tried to warn Jason that Kevin might not be in love with him? Should he not embrace the fact that Jason has this many doubts? However, Robert isn’t blind and he will not lie to himself. As much as he sometimes dislikes Kevin for being a smartass, he has to admit that he hasn’t seen Jason happy in a long time.
And with Kevin there had been that spark, there had been this feeling of seeing the old playful, crazy Jason who Jason used to be when he was still 15 or 16 years old. And Kevin seems to really like Jason. Even Robert can’t ignore the loving smile that comes to Kevin’s face whenever he sees Jason or speaks of Jason.
What would Kitty do it were Kevin?
“I think you should tell Kevin the truth. He deserves the truth. He has to know that you’re not playing a game with him. I assume you are genuine in your feelings for him?”
“Yes. Of course. I want nothing more, but…”
“Then tell him. If he laughs at you,… that would unfortunate… and painful… but it would say more about him than about you. If he laughs at you, he’s not worthy of your concern, your confusion and your care, but if he’s sincere… then you owe him the truth and you owe it to yourself to give him a chance to work through this… with you.”
Jason shakes his head at Robert’s advice.
“I thought you were against us. You’re the one who’s been trying to convince me that Kevin is some uncaring, irresponsible man-whore who’d sleep with just anybody…”
“It’s what I understood from Kitty. Kitty has since then corrected that image… somewhat.”
“I need to think about this.” Jason says, suddenly feeling very tired. Robert nods, realizing that he too has to adjust as well some of the ‘facts’ he had his in head.
“Fine. I’ll leave you to it then… Goodnight. ” He places a kiss on Jason’s head.
“Goodnight.” Jason’s replies, a grateful smile on his face.
*****
“Hi.” Jason nervously looks up at Kevin. “Can we please talk?”
“I’m done playing games.”
“Me too. I owe you an explanation…”
“I don’t think it’s going to change anything.”
“Can I at least try?” Jason asks. He can see how Kevin bites the inside of his cheek as if he debates with himself on whether to open the door further to let Jason in or close it to keep Jason out. Kevin sighs and eventually takes a step back to let Jason in. “Thank you.”
*****
Jason tries to be as quiet as he can be as he sneaks into the hallway, hoping that no one will wake up when he climbs the stairs.
“You’re late… Or early… whichever way you want to look at it.” Robert’s voice scares the hell out of Jason.
“You’re still up.” He deduces.
“Pondering over some bill… Plus Kitty had a bit too much to drink and she’s snoring like a saw-mill.” Robert adds, turning on the light in the living-room, just on time to see a bright smile on Jason’s face. “Did you talk to Kevin?”
“I did.”
“Tell him the truth?”
“I did.”
“Did he laugh at you?”
“Mmmmno, not really, he didn’t quite believe me at first, thought I was still playing some joke on him, but when I talked some more, he saw that I was trying to explain myself to him and he took the things I said seriously…”
“He didn’t ridicule your feelings?”
“No.”
“Are you back together?”
“Yes.” Again that beaming smile.
“And… your little problem?” Robert asks carefully.
Jason’s smile becomes even bigger and brighter.
“We’re … working on it.” He grins awkwardly. “.. to each other’s satisfaction… I think.” Jason looks as if he’s about to burst with some news. Yet, as much as Robert appreciates this new-found honesty between them, he’s not sure he wants to hear more details.
As if he senses the hesitation in Robert, Jason wonders over how much he should tell Robert. Kevin had been patient, gentle, caring, careful and it had all been amazing to say the least and he cannot remember the last time he has felt this happy, light and … in love! Yet, he’s not sure he can give more details to Robert.
“Everything is okay. It all worked out better than I dreamed it could be.” Jason therefore says, hoping Robert can read between the lines. Robert nods.
“No regrets?” Robert asks, though Jason’s bright smile already gives him his answer.
“None whatsoever.” Jason beams.
*****
“You’re late.” Kitty mumbles, when Robert joins her again in bed.
“I know. I was waiting for Jason to come home.” He says.
“He was with Kevin tonight.” Kitty yawns.
“I know… I think they… deepened their relationship.”
“If you mean that you think that they has sex, you’re right. They did.”
“How do you know that?” Robert asks. Still half-asleep Kitty picks up her phone.
“Text-message. Apparently Jason is very good at it. And Kevin is very happy and satisfied with the results of their talk. Something about Jason being good with his mouth?”
“Too much info! …." Robert says, but the he changes his mind. "What more did he say?” Robert is suddenly curious.
“Sorry, you can’t scream ‘too much info’ and then ask for more of it. It’s against the Walker-rules.” Kitty now teases. “But…. Let’s say: I’m not surprised. Certain things, like good sex, seem to run in your family….” She winks and she looks up at him with a grin on her face.
“Besides, what he wrote reminded me of the fact that we haven’t had sex in a little while… Three days now? … Bad boy!” She laughs though. Robert leans closer to her and kisses her.
“Perhaps I should focus more on you, you mean?”
“Yes. Your fascination with Kevin is becoming a bit … weird.” Kitty teases, tapping him gently on his nose.
“Getting jealous?” Robert asks, but Kitty doesn’t answer. Instead she pulls him down for a kiss and Robert pulls the blankets up around them.
The end.
/